i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
