he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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