i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
