I wish I only lived at night.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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