Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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