it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
