My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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