Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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