My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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