is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
