I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
