I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
