My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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