wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
