I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
MIDGETS
????
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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