Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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