the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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