A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
