do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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