I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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