i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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