i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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