U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
