Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."