Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
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I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad