i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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