Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
