Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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