I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
