I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
