its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
