dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just cropdusted the office
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you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first