For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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