I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..