in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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