you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
