does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
