I'm so fucking centered right now
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
