I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
