Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
