Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
