i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
