i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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