He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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