Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
