Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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