I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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