Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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