I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
