Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
