Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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