Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
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