i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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