All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
