I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
