where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
