Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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