Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
