Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
